literature

Danny's Rants - FOODFIGHT Review

Deviation Actions

Mr-Toontastic's avatar
Published:
1.1K Views

Literature Text

      I have no words. I-i-i just have NO words. I'm sorry Uh... :iconitssethjm: Canadian Comic Man, but I have no words to make a proper review for this movie except.... product placement. Yeah. That's it. Just... PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!!! This whole movie is just one big product placement of widely-known food mascots of famous food properties that if I wanted to watch something based on food, I would have literally driven to my nearest grocery store and walked through the aisles staring at for HOURS that watch this piece of no-neck filth. I'd rather let this movie sit in my fridge and rot. No it's not even worth of rotting in the fridge. It should be handled like how we handle all types of food-based gunk after we finish eating and just place it in the garbage disposal of our sinks.

      Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure a lot of you all have seen reviews of this movie from more interactive Internet critics such as the Nostalgia Critic or even JonTron, and in my opinion, I'd say go watch their videos instead. I'll even put the links for their reviews below. For now, let's go along with what I could recollect from this movie because I really don't want to watch this again...

      So what's going on? What else goes on? A giant hidden world within another world with all the characters mixed with licensed characters goingonaweirdadventureandlifestyleyaddayaddayaddabullcrap. But you know what the problem is here? The style. Now don't get me wrong, making an original movie where original characters solve their own story while interacting in a world/home/studio of licensed characters WITHOUT it being judged as some old guy's fan fiction come to life is a pretty solid idea. In fact, many movies and games that I have viewed in my life such as "Wreck-It-Ralph", "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" and "Looney Tunes: Back in Action" (Shut up, I actually liked that movie), have had similar themes. However, where that worked there with beloved longtime characters interacting with characters who would suddenly become beloved after the movie is over. THIS.... THIS IS BULLCRAP. The characters are serious MEGA stereotypes. I honestly feel like that chocolate squirrel was hired to play as one of the Characters from Michael Bay's Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

      Oh my god, this movie was like getting my grandmother to write a movie all about her day of shopping. Whereas I would watch THAT, this is like torturing your mom in order to get that brand new Ferrari you threw your college fund at for years. If I could drink to everything wrong with this film, I would have applied to working at CinemaSins.

      Now before I bash the plot, there's a little history to the movie production. Originally, this movie was to premiere in 2002, y'know the year where New Age music was a thing, and Spider-Man graced the movie theaters thanks to Mr. Evil Dead maker, Sam Raimi. It was a time of unnecessary lust... Trust me.  What I believe is that this movie would have been ok at the time, because this film has a lust for overarching innuendo, but apparently this movie's scenes were stolen, thus causing a 10-year hiatus in production. BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THIS COMPANY FROM IMMEDIATELY SELLING MERCHANDISE!! It's like when The Weinstein Company's "Hoodwinked Too!" was announced. The film took some time in production, but when it was announced that a sequel was happening, Burger King (Or McDonalds, I don't f**king know), already had a set of toys available with every kids' meal. The film itself was supposed to come out in 2010 but due to issues between Kanbar Entertainment and the Weinstein Company, the film was then delayed to a 2011 release, but to negative reviews and a box office bomb. That film, in my opinion was "ok." It wasn't perfect and pales in comparison to the first film, but it's an ok watch. That friggin' squirrel-and-wolf duo are my friend crime-fighting partner, and thankfully those two haven't really changed. Here's the difference. Where that movie came out a year after it was announced, Foodfight came out in 2012. I honestly believe that this movie, and that actual "2012" movie were sacrificed into a volcano in order to keep the world from ending in a fiery destruction. Think about it. Why do you think this movie HASN'T even been advertised on kids' network channels or even ABC? (That channel will advertise anything, I swear. I saw an advertisement for *censored adult content* on that channel once.)

      This movie isn't the kind of bad where it's SO BAD that you can go back to it one day and just make fun of it as you watch it, like how people do with "The Room," or old cartoons that featured content that you clearly can see that some of its content were NOT friendly at the time (Looney Tunes Censored 11 cartoons), but it's the kind of bad where you wonder where your taxpayer money has been going. It's like watching a few John Hughes and Uwe Bol movies. Some were good. Some were bad. And some were just *COUGHS and Hacks* God... What did they do to this movie?! This ain't no Sonic game, folks. This is REAL life. I bet you're all wondering... How much did this movie cost in production? $45,000? $72,000? No no no, that's Tooo easy. It's more like Uhh... *gets a calculator and calculates* nothing much except $65,000,000. THATS RIGHT. SIXTY-FIVE-MILLION-DOLLARS!!!!! That's about as much as a blockbuster movie or a Call of Duty Game! That amount of money given to this guy would have been used to BETTER capabilities rather than throw it into this garbage! That's Cheetahmen II territory you're flying into, and that game didn't even finish but actual cartridges of THAT were found and sold online! Sharknado had more sense than this garbage.

       The plot?! PFFFFFFT- don't make me laugh. The plot of this film is about a detective dog who's about to be married by his...... His..... *shudder* girlfriend.... I'm sorry, I know I'm not one to interfere with love but..... Is that Sunny-sunshine chips girl a human....? She doesn't even count as a neko. Nekos made more sense than this, and they're basically human girls that actually look and ACT like true animals while having their animal traits. This.... This is just a girl who put on cat ears, a cat tail, and painted whiskers on herself to feel like one. Ma'am, I've seen knockoff in my life, but THAT is horrifying. Horrifying enough that even John R. Dilworth would look at it and say, "Wow, I've made some horror features, but even my features would have heart to it. This is true garbage." So... *gags* she leaves and doesn't appear much into the film again. Yeah, you'll know that she's the automatic damsel-in-distress of the film. That smile just whispers "help me" all over it. Detective Dog-Man runs this place called the Club Banana. Wasn't that the store Kim Possible shops at? Club Banana is a club where all food mascots go to party. However, the one thing that's off is that some of the food characters that are there are fake iterations of actual mascots. There's a Chocolate Vampire Bat who's supposed to be Count Chocula, a little pirate who's supposed to be Cap'n Crunch or something, and a lumberjack who's supposed to be the Brawny Guy (Thankfully they were knocking off the current design of him and not the epic manly classic brawny guy.) So Detective Dog is nearly seduced by this mystery girl who I honestly believe is some kind of hooker product (it's actually a type of chips entitled "Brand X") and oh god.... I didn't want to get to this point but.... This movie is nothing but bad jokes (not the laughable kind that even kids would like), but filled with so much sexual innuendo. This movie isn't even '90s kids worthy. There's bad kids jokes, adult innuendo oversaturating the film, and nothing but degrading CGI. Ohhhh myyyy...... Maybe this would have been better as a college film?...

(MEANWHILE)

*goes to art college and presents this exact movie* Hey-yo class! Check this out! *shows the class "Foodfight" and a scream is heard, then Danny gets kicked out and thrown into the mud, Danny also has a giant "F" in red stapled to his butt as he groans in pain*

(BACK AT THE STUDIO)

     It didn't work. So anyway, Sunny goes missing, food characters start getting killed off, and people are wondering WHYYYY OH WHY DOES THIS WORLD EXIST?! So Detective dog explore and discover that Brand X is trying to take over the supermarket, so he and his racist comrade have to explore to even going to the real world where real people are. If you thought the secret world looked disgusting, this..... This is your nightmares come to life. If I showed this to :iconawful-critter:, she would have tossed this s*** out of the window just by looking at the cover.

      I ain't talking about this film any longer, the more I go on is going to give me a megaloid of stress before I plan the next topic to talk about. Like I said, i wasn't going to put forth much into this review because after seeing this, I would have asked for my money back. I can't really bash this guy for getting his movie stolen and delayed for so long.... But you had 10 years to make this! You could have AT LEAST looked over your scripts and tweaked whatever felt unnecessary, and re-edited this script to make it plausible! THIS MOVIE IS BASICALLY A FETISH LUCID DREAM COME TO LIFE FOR THE PUBLIC TO SEE!! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT! I feel unclean and afraid from this, and I must go purge myself of this movie. Till next time folks, Stay Clean, and STEER CLEAR FROM THIS FILM. *Danny picks up a mind-washing helmet and sets it to "EXTREME CLEANSING" as the helmet begins to shake his head and vibrate rapidly* ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohyehehehhehehehehhhehehheheheheehehehhahaahahahahahhaahahhahahahaahahhahaah........ *walks away*
Hey hey! Looks like DANNY finally had the courage to take up :iconultimatecomicscanada:'s request to review the movie Foodfight! Well.... Some of it I guess. He really didn't want to watch all of it, so if there's stuff you noticed that he didn't address, then just talk about it amongst yourselves in the comments.

Danny: I have one note though. The only reason I didn't mention the actors that were hired for this film, is because animated movies debuting in theaters ALWAYS enlist top actors to lend their voices to animated characters. That's natural in Hollywood so there you go.

Oh yeah! Before we forget, here's both reviews from both Nostalgia Critic and JonTron


© 2015 - 2024 Mr-Toontastic
Comments4
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
ItsSethJM's avatar
I feel as though I should read this in your voice and upload it to YouTube.
Can I?